As a public service to you, the reader, I shall briefly outline of some of the more popular conspiracies and cover-ups taking place in our nation today. Prepare to adjust your lifestyles accordingly.

1. Aliens. Didn't you see Contact? Awful waste of space and all that. Yep, they are out there and they have far more devious plans for humanity than mutilating our cows and circling our crops.

2. Deodorant. This stuff makes you stink, my friends. The so-called "body-odor" smell is time-released - when us sheep don't use the product the smell gets stronger and stronger. Don't be a slave to Speedstick and their ilk!
Beware: toothpaste and shampoo work the same way.

3. Variations. Kenner makes and we buy 'em. Why sell one when you can sell two at twice the price (yet another Contact reference, for those in the know)? Do you really think the same folks who sculpted the voluptuous Slave Leia figure can't spell "Saelt Marae"? Nothing is accidental.

The Big Three I have outlined above are exactly why I stopped buying Star Wars figures, no longer bathe, and walk around with aluminum foil wrapped tightly around my head. I suggest you all follow suit.